It has been one year since I lost Sydney and a week since the world lost Preston. September used to be my favorite month but each year it seems something bad happens within those 30 days. Don't know why that is but I think October just might be pretty happy about being my new favorite month!
In memoriam...
To my angel baby Sydney, I often think of who you would be now, what would you be doing? Would you be like your brother or have a vibrancy all your own? Would you be crawling? What would my life be like with you in it? I miss you, I miss the you I never got to know, I miss the idea of my sweet baby girl. I'm sorry I haven't had your headstone put back, I'm sure "Orville" enjoyed the flowers chase left him because we couldn't find where to leave them for baby sister. I so wish things would have been different, but I thank god for the time I did have with you and the person I have become because of it!
To Preston, you have changed my life more than you will ever know. You were a great man and leave behind an undeniable legacy! I am sad that the world has lost you but I am glad that in the time you were here you touched and helped so many! I thank god for you and think about you almost every minute. Even though I sometimes wish I didn't have to experience what I did I thank god for putting me where he thought I should be. It was his plan for you as well as me and I am blessed to be linked to you in that way. I look forward to meeting you one day!
------
Sometimes it's hard to find answers to the way cards are dealt to you in life. But I have faith that all things happen for a reason and that these tough things have made me and will continue to mold me into the person I am suppose to be. Thank you to all of you who have kept me in your prayers it helps more than you know!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The Betrayal of September
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I'm out of kleenex !
Last night I read "Comfort" by Ann Hood, it found me as so many great books do at Barnes and Noble. I am always amazed at the treasures I somehow find myself buying, it's as if I hear them calling me from the shelf "pick me... you need to read me". Not very often do I listen but when I do, man do I get lucky. This book is about the loss of Ann's 5 year old daughter Grace and her journey through the pain.
I got in bed and cracked the spine open on my new book. I had only meant to read a chapter or two before falling asleep but after the 1st page I knew it was going to be a long night. By the second page I was already crying and continued to do so for the next 182 pages! Seriously! Sometimes it was just a silent tear rolling down my check and other times I was a full on sobbing mess. I'm talking the kind of crying where you can't breathe and you struggle to see the words through your tears. Next to me while I read a feel my sleeping boy, I can feel his little body sweating next to me and I occasionally pause from the story to look at him and listen to him breathing.
I have a confession to make, I do that a lot, check to see if he's breathing. This may be a normal mom thing, I don't know because I've never talked to anyone about it, but since the day chase was born I've always had that almost painful fear of something happening to him. Because of this fear I keep him close, not the crazy super protective mom close , but the check on you in the middle of the night to make sure your breathing type of mom! Sometimes I scare myself just thinking of all the what ifs. As horrible as this may sound when I lost Sydney I had thoughts of "phew now Chase is even more safe" God would never take two of my babies right? It was almost as if I felt she was my one give and now that I gave her I would be safe from future loss. Of course I know logically that's not how it works. For added measure with every prayer, everyday, no matter what the subject, I always throw in my little" please keep Chase safe" plea.
It's amazing to me that I actually purchased and read this book given my own deep fear of losing my child. I am however so glad I did! Despite it being gut wrenching, the book was still very very good. As I finished it @ 3am only a mere 3 hours before I had to get up for work, I turned to the sleeping boy next to me, gave him some smooches, wrapped my arms around him and began my prayer...
" Lord thank you for all the many blessings you've given us. I pray for Ann and her family. I thank you for giving her comfort in the face of an unthinkable tremendous lose. I thank you for blessing her with Grace and I with Sydney, even if it was for such a short time. Thank you for this day lord... Please keep Chase safe, Please keep him safe... In your name I pray, Amen"
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Wrap me up in your love!
An assignment was given to me to capture something that "speaks love to you". I thought about it for a while and kept coming back to the idea of my blankets. Besides keeping me warm there is a greater meaning behind the blankets I have grow to love.
The bottom is one I currently use to sleep with, bring to the couch when I need warmth or am sick and most importantly use when me and my little guy snuggle up together.
The next one was given to me when I was little. It was hand made by a family member in Wyoming and shipped in a big box just for me. It is a pretty pink, light weight and perfect for summer when traditional blankets are too hot.
Third one up was made by my grandma and was gifted to me I believe on my 12th birthday. Being a 12 year old I must be honest and say I was totally bummed to receive a hand made afghan instead of something cool like, I don't know a snoopdogg cd! Over the years it sat in a closet not used very much, that is until I got older. As an adult I learned to value the importance of something made by the hand, made out of love with a special person in mind as the receiver. She had knit it just for me in colors she thought I'd like and every time I pull it out and wrap myself in it, it's like wrapping myself in the love that she is no longer here to show me herself.
And then we have my very special souvenir blanket that I bought when I was 16 in the Philippine mountains of Baguio. This is my take everywhere blanket, it has been on many a road trip, a few picnics and used many times to lay out in the sun on. This is one of my most treasured items, my blanket that came from across the world!
Next up is Chase's baby blanket! The blankie I brought him home in. The blankie I swaddled him in for months, laid on the floor for him to play on, the blankie that went with us anytime we left the house. Chase never had a special attachment to a blanket the way most other kids do but every time I see this blanket I am reminded of my precious little baby boy.
Finally on top we have Sydney's blanket. The 12 x 12 piece of polar fleece that the hospital wrapped her in. The small piece of fabric that was big enough to wrap my tiny baby girl in. This is the only blanket she would ever have and the only real object that was ever especially hers. I keep this next to my bed and when I feel that longing to have something of her near me I sleep with it close to my heart.
I have so many more blankets I love. All the special baby blankets my great grandma has sewn for every baby in our family, especially my white one with the little blue flowers on it. The big gray one with red ties my grandpa slept on. There are dozens more that fill my mind with happy memories.
On the outside blankets seem like mere pieces of fabric sewn together in multiple ways but in some blankets there is more meaning than can ever be explained. They represent a time or place, a special person, joy or sorrow, comfort, warmth and love!
What represents love to you?
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Soul, Like Nature, Has Seasons, Too
When you feel cast down and despondently sad
And you long to be happy and carefree and glad,
Do you ask yourself as I often do,
Why is the song silenced in a heart that was gay?
And then I ask God what makes life this way.
His explanation makes everything clear-
Man too must pass through life’s autumn of death
And have his heart frozen by winter’s cold breath,
But spring always comes with new life and birth,
Followed by summer to warm the soft earth…
That souls like nature, must too have their seasons-
Bounteous seasons and barren ones, too,
For only life’s challenge can set the soul free…
It’s a mixture of both bitter and sweet
To season our lives and make them complete.
Reflection
Today is my due date. If everything had went as planned I would be giving birth to a beautiful baby girl today. Instead I visited the cemetery where my angel baby was laid to rest in September. It's hard to describe how I feel about the whole situation. Naturally there are countless ifs, buts, maybes and whys but like most things you just have to except that this is life and things don't always go the way you plan.
Miscarriage is something I never thought would happen to me, especially after already having one healthy baby. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through and has changed the way I feel about so many things. I am thankful for having had her even for a sort time and I thank god every day for all the many blessings he has giving me. Going through this has made me appreciate my life and the people in my life so much more than I did before. Because of her my eyes are open to a better world, despite the pain of losing her.
